We are going for a year of pandemic. At this point, we have stretched resilience all that it takes . But it begins to crack: stress, anxiety, depression … With those wickers, the libido of many has been on the ground for months . “In order for the sexual response to develop in all its stages (desire, excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution), the body must be calm.
The slightest activation of our sympathetic nervous system, whose function is to put us on guard and in an attitude of immediate alert-flight, will cancel the relaxation necessary to be able to begin to wish, ”explains Laura Palomares, psychologist and director of Avance Psicólogos .
And here’s the problem: the pandemic has skyrocketed our long-term stress levels (daily fear of infecting ourselves or our loved ones, of losing our job, of not being able to cope with the bills). We have been on constant alert for almost twelve months and we are dragged, physically and emotionally. With those wickers, it is normal for erotic passion to decline in many bedrooms.
Strategies to feel like it again
The loss of sexual appetite does not distinguish between single and married, in a relationship or estranged. At the beginning of the pandemic, the joke was circulating that, for once, those who live as a couple would have more sex than single people.
But locking yourself out of obligation 24 hours a day with your other half (and with the children) more than an eternal honeymoon was for many a Big Brother : a lot of trouble and little privacy. Those who lived alone did not get rid of collective fear and now, on top of that, they have to rewrite the flirtation script and the spontaneous sexual relationship.
“Losing a loved one also often affects sexual arousal. And having passed the covid in the first person leaves a transitory exhaustion, even post-traumatic stress, which also interferes with erotic desire ”.
Low libido is not a disease. As she leaves, we can bring her back … with time and good manners. Experts propose several guidelines to regain sexual desire at home. “It is essential to recover spaces and time as a couple . When that space for complicity is lacking, the relationship is ‘de-eroticized’. Knowing how to stop working and take a break for pleasure is not going to sink the world economy. And it will do a lot of good for the sexual health of the couple.
The comfy of being around the house does not do much good for passionate desire either . Although we are comfortable with our loose clothing , without perfume, without combing or putting on makeup (them) and with wild hair and beard from a few days (them), neglecting is a staunch enemy of passion. An arranged dinner, even at home, can enliven the passion of the senses.
What if there are children involved? In the absence of grandparents (not the best time to recruit them), you have to use your imagination. If you both telecommute, maybe the workday could be delayed a bit after dropping the kids off at school to give each other some pleasure. With the kids at home, Kinsey Institute psychologist Justin Lehmiller proposes taking it as almost an adventure.
“Establish a private moment while you leave the children with some snacks and their favorite movie . Or wake up earlier and pretend they don’t catch you ”. Everything is to stimulate sexual desire.
And, although times are bad for fantasy, we must return to eroticism. ” Ask your partner about your fantasies or would like to try. Take back games that used to be pleasant for you, try erotic readings… ”, says psychologist Laura Palomares. Other colleagues are more precise: incorporating sex toys or other gadgets, new positions, watching pornography in private … Anything consensual that can give life to bedroom life helps.
In times of social distance, recovering physical contact is another key for Palomares. “We must not neglect expressions of affection with friction, caresses, kisses, hugs . It is essential so that the body and, above all, the head (the most important organ in this whole matter), tune again with the eroticism and affectivity with our partner ”.
Finally, he suggests taking advantage of any moment as a couple to warm up engines. “Encouraging spaces for physical contact, such as showering together or doing a massage , without demanding that it happen to the elderly, little by little awakens desire and brings you closer to the couple affectively again.”
What if I feel like it, but my partner doesn’t?
Each person experiences the pandemic in one way. And not only because of the way of facing the reality of the coronavirus. The work situation, the health of parents, siblings or friends, also conditions. “It is a delicate situation, because the person who maintains the desire often feels rejected and abandoned and that often leads to expressing it from reproach and demand, ” says the psychologist.
“This creates anxiety and a huge sense of guilt which, in turn, increases pressure and stress. Far from solving, we increase the problem. It is very important to try to talk to our partner without reproach or anger ”.
Being caught by the pandemic at a time without a stable partner is not being easy either. “Most of the people are being more cautious and, with less sexual stimulation, it is normal that the sexual appetite decreases . But it is something that with time and the progressive return to normality will gradually recover ”